This is a fairly long post, and isn’t me really moaning so much as thinking out loud. Writing it down helps me. I am not seeking affirmation or words of sympathy at all. This is a completely self-indulgent post.
I didn’t post a weigh in result yesterday. I didn’t post because I don’t have one to report. On Monday night, I decided to take holiday from Slimming World. My consultant text me back in the morning to ask if everything was ok, was there anything she could do, will I be back? All fairly pertinent questions.
To give some context, I took my measurements at the weekend, and saw 1 measly inch off my whole body. I don’t know what the final weigh in result was, but I suspect it would have remained the same – no loss over the course of the month.
To say I am frustrated would be an understatement.
As I was surfing the blogosphere at the weekend, randomly clicking on other peoples’ blog rolls and twitter feeds, I happened across The Biggest London Loser. She’d recently written this post, and I thought that perhaps I could look at that as part of some naval gazing and weight loss contemplation.
It was a great starting point. Before I began writing everything down, I made the decision not to go to Slimming World this week, not to pressure myself into eating certain foods, and not to beat myself up if I didn’t eat something “Slimming World sanctioned” (my words, not theirs), or didn’t get out for a run. I need a week out to look at the bigger things than just a number on a scale.
I’ve highlighted what I consider to be the pertinent issues of the whole thing – my two areas are food and my perception of myself (part of me is shouting “quelle surprise…”). Exercise and my relationships with others stand roughly on par with each other and there are a couple of issues in there that I need to work on. In respect of exercise, I think it’s fair to say that my expectations of myself are just too high sometimes and this breeds a level of frustration. In turn, this feeds into one of the two biggies – “Me and Me”. I have very negative self-talk, and feel like a failure much of the time. What do I fail in? Sometimes I feel the shorter list would be to ask in what I’ve succeeded in (and even then, I am inclined to post the success at someone else’s door). My Couch to 5k success seems a long time ago, and I failed at my first 10k plan (I am being deliberately emotive in my language choice – it reflects how I feel). I did decide though, that I feel happier when I am in control, and I think a key area for improvement has got to be limiting this negativity and adjusting my expectations (ultimately, I am 5.5 stone overweight right now, and there is no way I will be running 10 minute miles at Week 2 of a 10k plan; also, losing the weight won’t make me a better person, and there may be some things I don’t like about a slimmer me – loose skin being one point).
The other big issue surrounds food. For me, food isn’t just fuel, but I need to shift my mindset to make it more so. I fuel various emotions with food, and I do like eating out, despite being a good cook (and a good cooking team with M). I have an “all or nothing” approach to my diet, and I need to move it more to a healthy balance. I’m poor at mindful eating, and I have reservations over some things that Slimming World says (having found success following a low GI plan in the past with the science making a lot of sense to me, I am not sure that, for example, classing fruit as a superfree food sits quite right with me given the high sugar content, even if it is a natural sugar – I need to look into this more).
It’s a lot to get my head around, and I need to work on it. There are a few things that I need to put in place to help me, like:
- Sorting our dining table out. I prefer to eat at a table, rather than in front of the TV.
- Planning the week’s food and exercise. What have I got on – what barriers am I facing this week?
- Having some low-syn snacks to hand.
- Set a “date night” with M – one where we cook for the other person and make a proper meal for two out of it. Recipes could be anything! They may or may not include dessert. Frequency of “date night” to be confirmed with M.
And so, Tub, this concludes today’s missive.