I have debated whether to post this later on today or not, and I’ve decided to post now (surely my 100th post should be about nice things and fluffy bunnies and unicorns. This is not one of those posts).
Weigh in will go completely as I expect it to. By that, I mean that I will have gained weight. I can feel it without the scales telling me. I sit here, getting increasingly frustrated at myself, feeling like a failure. Hmm… failure’s probably not quite the right word. Fraud is probably closer. Here I am, on my weight loss and running blog, not really doing either. What’s worse is that even I am beginning to notice that there is a yoyo tone to the blog, which is very much a reflection of how I feel, and I don’t like it.
Why am I scratching my head? Mainly because I seem to be embroiled in a battle between my good and bad weeks. I have a great week, like last week. I feel motivated, really focused, on plan, in control, and I just feel like I am winning at this weight loss thing. Skip forwards a week, and my meals are completely out of whack, high calorie, high fat, high sugar snacks and meals. My motivation has skipped off to a happy place elsewhere, and I am left here feeling empty and tired.
Yet, ironically, I am far from empty. I have overindulged, binged, feasted and stuffed myself. I have stonking headaches (probably all sugar rush related), I am tired and sluggish and miserable. Despite my best efforts to fill the void with food, it hasn’t worked. Something else is missing, but I don’t know what. I am bored of trying to work out what “it” is. I cannot put a finger on what happened. On what went wrong. Anything I come up with just feels like an excuse.
There is much moping to be done, a few frustrated tears to be shed, but something needs to change. On reflection, I need to emulate some of the good habits I had formed when I was on my 10 week loss streak at the beginning of the year. Between the throbs of my latest headache, I remember that some of the good habits that I’d held included:
- Posting on my blog frequently. I think I am currently averaging one to two posts a week. During “the streak”, I was posting more like 4 times a week. I think it helped to maintain my focus.
- Food diaries. These are always a bit hit and miss, but I was completing a diary more regularly then than I am now. I find food diaries to be a bit of a chore sometimes, so I am thinking that perhaps the odd food diary on the blog isn’t too bad an idea – a bit of a thermometer reading of how I’m doing.
- Running. I was running, and I was following Couch to 5k. I had a structure. There were no real quibbles about what I was going to do or when I was going to go out, or even which route to run. I was told that I had to go out (by the podcast), so out I went. I missed the structure after C25K ended, and things all started going a bit, well, unstructured. Tubs need a structure to work within. Back to C25K I go (but I will keep parkrun in there).
- Workouts. I went to Zumba Tone. I went spinning. I enjoyed them both. I am not doing either currently. It’s time to stop wasting my gym membership and get my bum back to classes. Three runs a week, plus one or two classes should keep my nose out of the biscuit tin.
- Shopping. We were so much better at shopping, making sure that we went on a certain day. That day used to be Sunday. We’re both so tired now, that weekends are for slobbing around. The occasional slob-end is fine. But this is every single weekend, and we’re in a rut. Also, I dread to think of the amount we’ve spent on food lately – takeaways are not meant to be a lifestyle choice.
I am going to find the first couple of weeks frustrating. I know that. I know that this is going to be when I am more vulnerable to sliding off the wagon in a gelatinous blob, then there will be a period where it feels like second nature, and then there will be a period where it won’t take much for me to jump from the wagon voluntarily, just for “something different to do”.
I have a few things coming up over the next few months – a weekend marshalling, my dress fitting, going to Cyprus, then two wedding celebrations one after the other, my hen weekend and a couple of weeks later, my wedding. All are potential derailments, and things I wouldn’t have needed to consider during “the streak”. They will be challenges, and I need to plan for them. They’ll disrupt my exercise plans and my food, but they cannot throw me off kilter.