Tub on the Run


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Excuses, excuses.

This is a post I haven’t really wanted to write, and I will warn you now, this is not exactly my cheeriest of posts.

I have pulled out of Silverstone.  I tried to see if I could get a deferral, but unfortunately they don’t allow you to.

Why have I pulled out?

I could definitely blame the weather.  I’d love to blame the weather!  As I type, the winds are swirling around and the rain is beating against the windows, as we brace for the next storm.  No.  The weather hasn’t helped, but that isn’t the reason for my failure.  If only it was just the weather!  I’ve made a silly error with a couple of things really.

Firstly, I completely underestimated how far 13.1 miles is.  I know that sounds a bit daft, but I am used to driving that, not running it, and my concepts of time and distance are shocking.  I haven’t stuck closely enough to the plan to do the distance the justice that it deserves.  I’ve had a bad couple of runs since I twisted my ankle a few weeks back which hasn’t helped my confidence at all.  I get so frustrated that I cannot run solidly for longer than about 8 minutes at a time, and it all turns inwards and becomes a big negative poop storm.

Kind of linked in with that is my second point.  I am my own worst critic and I feel like I have failed at some things, and I am failing at others.  I have overfilled my plate and I desperately need to scale back some of this pressure I have (admittedly, by my own doing) dumped on my plate.  Wah wah… I know “people busier than you are running right now”.  Good for them I say!  I do feel a bit stupid saying this when I have it easy compared to others.  I don’t have children, physical health issues, family problems or anything else like that.  I work a full time job, have two cats, and a loving family.  What I also have is my black dog…

beans and buggle

Though I am not referring to Beany (she is the attempt at an anti-black dog).  When I am doing well, I take on longer term projects thinking that I won’t feel as low as I currently do again.  Inevitably, it always comes as a surprise when I get a bit of a bottle neck of projects all coming together at once and my depression and/or anxiety reappears with gusto, and my little world disintegrates somewhat.

What does this actually mean?

I am not giving up running.  Far from it.  For the most part I am proud of how far I have come, but I haven’t respected the distance I wanted to achieve, or in all honesty, myself.  I am going right back to basics for food and exercise.  All the way back to Couch to 5k.  Three runs a week, increasing in running each week until I can get back to 30 minutes solid running again.  A focus on time over mileage might be a helpful mental aid.  I am travelling in the middle of the week next week, so I will be starting that in week following.  I desperately want to enjoy running again without pressuring myself so hard.  Running helps (when I don’t feel pressured), as does yoga, so I do need to keep it up for my mental health as much as anything.

For food, I am not entirely sure what I want to do with that yet.  I have read a lot of good things about Whole 30 and 21 Day Sugar Detox recently, but I am not sure if my brain can handle getting the hang of the rules of paleo-esque diets right now.  While I am figuring all of this side out, I will just resolve to eat better food and try to get back into a proper routine of eating, which includes reintroducing breakfast into my life.  And sweet potatoes.  I have a real hankering for sweet potatoes.

Sorry it’ s been a bit of a doom and gloomer.  Normal service will resume at some point!


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Calm(ish) on the outside, ARGHHHH on the inside

I am a week away from my holiday, and my usual pre-holiday, work related anxiety and panic is beginning to set in.  Add in to that an interesting situation whereby I could apply for a promotion, mix it in with a couple of frank conversations and a couple of realisations, and my nerves are shot to hell and I am beginning to feel overwhelmed.  Oh yeah, add in my wedding dress fitting, and I’m quite amazed that I am functioning at all.  I know they aren’t big problems, but I suffer from anxiety, and the trigger will determine how well I cope.

Normally, I find that running really helps.  I get the chance to be alone with my thoughts and work through things.  I’ve really enjoyed getting back to it this week, and I have had the opportunity to explore a couple of new routes.  I’ve also been chuffed to use my Garmin, and I’ve found the stats quite interesting.  I ran the first run of Week 5, and ran two runs from Week 4.

I ran the third run of Week 4 at parkrun this morning.  I haven’t set any records, and I haven’t set a new PB, but I was pleased with how I went.  I ran for more than Week 4’s podcast, and I’m beginning to feel a little bit more “part of it” (don’t get me wrong, parkrun is very friendly, but people are now beginning to recognise me and know my name).  Also, it was really lovely to see Sharon from Shazruns at the finish line.  It was the first time we’ve had the chance for a chat before, and I’m sure we’ll stop for a coffee in the cafe when the weather turns cooler.  Sadly, I’m not back to parkrun now until nearly the end of the month.

Unfortunately, running hasn’t really helped clear my head.  Well, maybe it has, and in which case, I’d dread to think what I’d feel like if I hadn’t run.

Anyway, one of the issues has been highlighted this week is that I have become increasingly scruffy in my work dress, therefore a shopping trip was in order.  To be honest,  I could have done without the financial expenditure right now, but I guess there would never have been a good time (financially) in the run up to the wedding.  I had a very pleasant afternoon out with my mum, nonetheless, and I now have some new work clothes.

Post shopping cuppa

My post-shopping cup of tea 🙂

I think part of the issue has been that I bought “interim” clothes while I was (am) losing weight, and I haven’t wanted to replace them until I have “deserved” new ones (by going down a size).  Frustratingly, I haven’t gone down a clothes size.  I’m still firmly in a size 20 in shirts.  Three stone, and I still haven’t gone down a dress size really.  I’ve disliked shopping for a long time.  I suspect that I will disliked it for a while longer.

As for the anxiety, I’m just going to have to work like the clappers this week, get everything in order and do a good handover.  Realistically, that is all I can do right now.   I foresee a week of late nights in the office.  Otherwise, it is just a case of dealing with individual issues rather than trying to fire fight them all at once.


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Post Spin Ramble

I don’t know what is wrong today, but I have spent the entire day struggling to concentrate for longer than about 5 minutes.  I have been sleeping really badly all week too.  I do suffer from anxiety and depression, though lately I’ve been doing really well and haven’t been too affected.  I am wondering if I’m anxious about something, which is causing the sleep deprivation and inability to concentrate.  Unfortunately, it’s not something obvious, so I shall probably have to do some midrift contemplation (though actually, running seems quite good for this too).

My milk intolerance is rearing its head rather spectacularly at the moment (I only had a bit in my tea!), so I’m back to dairy free for a bit longer.  Food wise, I haven’t been meticulous in counting my syns, but I do know that I haven’t been too bad.  I will probably need to complete a food diary next week though, just to make sure I’m not fooling myself.

It was spinning class today.  I have to admit that I was dreading it.  It was my 45 minutes of hell that I would have to endure before dinner.  As usual, I made it out to be far worse in my head than it actually was.  I won’t go so far as to say I had a good time, but it was enjoyable (in so far as the aching leg muscles was quite pleasant).  I know, I’m odd.

Meanwhile, I am thoroughly looking forward to Season 3 of Game of Thrones, and found this trailer for you…