This is a post I haven’t really wanted to write, and I will warn you now, this is not exactly my cheeriest of posts.
I have pulled out of Silverstone. I tried to see if I could get a deferral, but unfortunately they don’t allow you to.
Why have I pulled out?
I could definitely blame the weather. I’d love to blame the weather! As I type, the winds are swirling around and the rain is beating against the windows, as we brace for the next storm. No. The weather hasn’t helped, but that isn’t the reason for my failure. If only it was just the weather! I’ve made a silly error with a couple of things really.
Firstly, I completely underestimated how far 13.1 miles is. I know that sounds a bit daft, but I am used to driving that, not running it, and my concepts of time and distance are shocking. I haven’t stuck closely enough to the plan to do the distance the justice that it deserves. I’ve had a bad couple of runs since I twisted my ankle a few weeks back which hasn’t helped my confidence at all. I get so frustrated that I cannot run solidly for longer than about 8 minutes at a time, and it all turns inwards and becomes a big negative poop storm.
Kind of linked in with that is my second point. I am my own worst critic and I feel like I have failed at some things, and I am failing at others. I have overfilled my plate and I desperately need to scale back some of this pressure I have (admittedly, by my own doing) dumped on my plate. Wah wah… I know “people busier than you are running right now”. Good for them I say! I do feel a bit stupid saying this when I have it easy compared to others. I don’t have children, physical health issues, family problems or anything else like that. I work a full time job, have two cats, and a loving family. What I also have is my black dog…
Though I am not referring to Beany (she is the attempt at an anti-black dog). When I am doing well, I take on longer term projects thinking that I won’t feel as low as I currently do again. Inevitably, it always comes as a surprise when I get a bit of a bottle neck of projects all coming together at once and my depression and/or anxiety reappears with gusto, and my little world disintegrates somewhat.
What does this actually mean?
I am not giving up running. Far from it. For the most part I am proud of how far I have come, but I haven’t respected the distance I wanted to achieve, or in all honesty, myself. I am going right back to basics for food and exercise. All the way back to Couch to 5k. Three runs a week, increasing in running each week until I can get back to 30 minutes solid running again. A focus on time over mileage might be a helpful mental aid. I am travelling in the middle of the week next week, so I will be starting that in week following. I desperately want to enjoy running again without pressuring myself so hard. Running helps (when I don’t feel pressured), as does yoga, so I do need to keep it up for my mental health as much as anything.
For food, I am not entirely sure what I want to do with that yet. I have read a lot of good things about Whole 30 and 21 Day Sugar Detox recently, but I am not sure if my brain can handle getting the hang of the rules of paleo-esque diets right now. While I am figuring all of this side out, I will just resolve to eat better food and try to get back into a proper routine of eating, which includes reintroducing breakfast into my life. And sweet potatoes. I have a real hankering for sweet potatoes.
Sorry it’ s been a bit of a doom and gloomer. Normal service will resume at some point!