This is a post I haven’t really wanted to write, and I will warn you now, this is not exactly my cheeriest of posts.
I have pulled out of Silverstone. I tried to see if I could get a deferral, but unfortunately they don’t allow you to.
Why have I pulled out?
I could definitely blame the weather. I’d love to blame the weather! As I type, the winds are swirling around and the rain is beating against the windows, as we brace for the next storm. No. The weather hasn’t helped, but that isn’t the reason for my failure. If only it was just the weather! I’ve made a silly error with a couple of things really.
Firstly, I completely underestimated how far 13.1 miles is. I know that sounds a bit daft, but I am used to driving that, not running it, and my concepts of time and distance are shocking. I haven’t stuck closely enough to the plan to do the distance the justice that it deserves. I’ve had a bad couple of runs since I twisted my ankle a few weeks back which hasn’t helped my confidence at all. I get so frustrated that I cannot run solidly for longer than about 8 minutes at a time, and it all turns inwards and becomes a big negative poop storm.
Kind of linked in with that is my second point. I am my own worst critic and I feel like I have failed at some things, and I am failing at others. I have overfilled my plate and I desperately need to scale back some of this pressure I have (admittedly, by my own doing) dumped on my plate. Wah wah… I know “people busier than you are running right now”. Good for them I say! I do feel a bit stupid saying this when I have it easy compared to others. I don’t have children, physical health issues, family problems or anything else like that. I work a full time job, have two cats, and a loving family. What I also have is my black dog…
Though I am not referring to Beany (she is the attempt at an anti-black dog). When I am doing well, I take on longer term projects thinking that I won’t feel as low as I currently do again. Inevitably, it always comes as a surprise when I get a bit of a bottle neck of projects all coming together at once and my depression and/or anxiety reappears with gusto, and my little world disintegrates somewhat.
What does this actually mean?
I am not giving up running. Far from it. For the most part I am proud of how far I have come, but I haven’t respected the distance I wanted to achieve, or in all honesty, myself. I am going right back to basics for food and exercise. All the way back to Couch to 5k. Three runs a week, increasing in running each week until I can get back to 30 minutes solid running again. A focus on time over mileage might be a helpful mental aid. I am travelling in the middle of the week next week, so I will be starting that in week following. I desperately want to enjoy running again without pressuring myself so hard. Running helps (when I don’t feel pressured), as does yoga, so I do need to keep it up for my mental health as much as anything.
For food, I am not entirely sure what I want to do with that yet. I have read a lot of good things about Whole 30 and 21 Day Sugar Detox recently, but I am not sure if my brain can handle getting the hang of the rules of paleo-esque diets right now. While I am figuring all of this side out, I will just resolve to eat better food and try to get back into a proper routine of eating, which includes reintroducing breakfast into my life. And sweet potatoes. I have a real hankering for sweet potatoes.
Sorry it’ s been a bit of a doom and gloomer. Normal service will resume at some point!
Tub on the Run 
February 7, 2014 at 22:24
No need for apologies: you have explained what’s going on, and to me, you’re doing the right thing. Back to basics is a good idea. Why not just do the same with food? Don’t worry about diets and plans, just eat well and think energy in/energy out for a couple of weeks until you figure out your next target? Just my tuppence worth!
February 7, 2014 at 22:25
Thank you 🙂 I think you’re right and that is the way forward for me for the time being.
February 7, 2014 at 22:27
Perfect. Although I’ve started my half training, I’m in just about the same place as you. We can do this.
February 7, 2014 at 22:28
You will rock it 🙂 Definitely stick to the plan as much as you can, and remember to enjoy it!
February 7, 2014 at 22:36
The black dog is a bugger (not Beany) and going back to basics is always a good thing. People are different and motivated differently. Some like the focus of a goal. But maybe it is more important that your goal is enjoying what you do! Oh an don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.
February 7, 2014 at 22:40
Thank you Sam. I am motivated by goals until it all goes a bit Pete Tong, and so it is back to basics I go, so I can relearn to enjoy it!
February 7, 2014 at 23:38
I love sweet potatoes! I feel like everyone’s been posting about them this week and I haven’t had a single one!
Do you ever run with anyone? I was feeling over pressured last year and what helped me a lot was finding a great bunch of runners that run trail. With trail running there aren’t really any time pressures as you do it for fun – the terrain is always different so you can’t Garmin-watch and expect the same results each time and this took a whole load off of my mind and made running so much more enjoyable for me again.
February 7, 2014 at 23:50
I kmow what you mean about the sweet potatoes! Definitely on the shopping list this week!
I am living for spring to hit so these storms can go and I can get back out on to a trail. I really enjoyed the runs I did on trails last year.
I don’t run with anyone as I don’t like having to chat and breathe 🙂
February 8, 2014 at 09:24
It demands a lot of bravery just to say STOP sometimes. We heap so much pressure upon ourselves, wanting the perfect race, perfect figure, levels of fitness, great job, loving family,,,,, the list is endless. It can feel like a great burden lifted when you decide to walk away from perfection.
I’m with Mary, in that doing something you love with someone you like is great for the spirit. When you feel like it again, get out in the fresh air with a good friend, and I do hope the black dog will start to slip away. x
February 8, 2014 at 16:53
Thank you for your kind words. It doesn’t feel very brave right now but I know it is best for me for right now 🙂 x
February 8, 2014 at 14:44
Sometimes you have to prioritise and let things go. Running is a hobby. If it is adding to your stress then taking a step back is definitely the right call.
February 8, 2014 at 18:22
You are right. The joy has gone out of it somewhat. Back to basics!
February 8, 2014 at 16:36
You don’t need to apologise, I think it is much more sensible to decided to not do a race that to force yourself through something. You are right you should enjoy running again and taking the pressure out is the best way to do it. I have run half marathons when I didn’t feel prepared and I hated it, that’s not how it should be so in my view you are being smart. Don’t be so hard on yourself! And enjoy those sweet potatoes! 🙂
February 8, 2014 at 16:55
Thank you 🙂 I know exactly what you mean and I know I would hate every single step and would likely give it up after the race, so I guess it is the best decision for the long term.
February 8, 2014 at 16:40
Take time out, take stock and then make new plans. 🙂
February 8, 2014 at 16:57
Definitely! 🙂 couch to 5k, bridge to 10 eventually then who knows!
February 8, 2014 at 17:50
No need to feel bad about it- you have years of running ahead so loads of time to take on a half. Maybe try a 10 mile or something in the future as a bridge between a 10K and a half? But taking your time increasing distance is very sensible.
February 8, 2014 at 18:22
Thanks Maria. I think you are right. I guess that means I should drop out of our jantastic team? I don’t want to drag the team down in position.